“Children are as independent as you expect them to be.”
Maria Montessori
Parents, caregivers, and educators who focus their attention on supporting children in their growth and development want the very best for them. Surprisingly many of these well-meaning adults do not understand the importance or the conditions required to develop independence in these young people they are so invested in. Clearing a child’s path of all challenges removes the opportunity to develop problem solving skills and the ability to use language to navigate through challenging situations. The impulse comes from a place of love and perhaps the “momma bear” instinct to protect. The result is young people who have not developed the confidence that they can solve their own problems or the skills to do so. They may unthinkingly enter fight, flight, or freeze mode without have the skills to slow down and think through their options. They constantly look for someone to tell them what to do and how to do it and are at a loss to independently navigate their own way even as an adult.
Recently I had a conversation with a Special Education Assistant that I worked with when I was a SPED teacher. What made her an exceptional educator to work with was her clear understanding of the importance of developing independence in the students she worked with both directly and indirectly. She had a clear understanding that even students with the highest needs benefitted from some control over their world by doing things for themselves. Students that felt capable, also had the resilience to cope with struggles and the perseverance to keep trying. It made for happier and more capable students.
My childhood had its challenges. I wasn’t old enough to feel a loss when my parents divorced. That came when my sister went to live with my father at the beginning of my Grade 3 year. My mother had a lot on her plate. She was devastated at the loss of her first born and cried herself to sleep for the first four months. This was exacerbated by a minimum wage job and a divorce settlement that did not increase child support payments once my father became a doctor. Money stress was continual. We had to move away from the support of extended family because my father reduced the child support by half when my sister left to live with him. That year was as hard for me as it was for my mother. We moved three times and I attended three different schools in seven months but my mother was able to pick herself up and we landed on our feet. I emerged from that year a happy kid. I learned that I could do a lot of things by myself. I didn’t always like them, but I could do things that made my life better and my mother’s life better. I developed more resilience, confidence, and a belief that life was good. My takeaway was the feelings of pride that come with being able to solve problems and do things independently. I took that into my career as an educator and into parenting.
It is always more expedient in the short term for an adult to do things themselves. Developing independence is a time intensive project that takes years. Young children naturally depend on parents for care, guidance, and support but the level of dependence is supposed to decrease as they acquire skills and independence. It requires the adult(s) in charge to celebrate setting the child free to go off and make their own decisions. The path towards independence is different for each child. The “right” support required is often obtuse. What is too permissive in nurturing independence in children? What is too controlling? What undercuts confidence? It is continually necessary to grapple with these questions and readjust adult intervention and support along the way. There are a few general suggestions that are helpful.
- Regularly provide opportunities for children to express their thoughts and feelings.
Parents and educators that have good relationships with children have fostered an open and trusting environment for children to express their ideas, their opinions, and their feelings. Articulating feelings of excitement or happiness helps the child to feel gratitude which research indicates correlates with happiness. Too often well-intentioned adults contribute to prolonged dependence of children by assuming responsibility for problem solving and preventing their child from sorting out their feelings, developing options to solve the problem and learning how to navigate difficult conversations. Encouraging children to name the emotions being experienced lends itself to developing strategies to cope with big feelings, communicate more effectively, and fosters better emotional regulation and resilience. Rushing in to solve a situation that causes sadness, or hurt, or anger, is counterproductive. So is vilifying and blaming the person who has caused the stress in the child’s life. This is more likely to make the child feel like a powerless victim rather than an empowered person capable of managing.
- Allow children to practice the reciprocal nature of respectful conversation.
Conversation is a skill that is developed with practice of making a statement or asking a question, then waiting for a response based on what you said. Or the reverse. Respectful conversations require children to learn active listening skills and speaking skills. The back and forth of conversation seems to come naturally for some children. For others, they need supported practice.
“Oh, she’s shy” with the parent answering for the child is more detrimental than helpful.
It sends a message that the adult does not believe the child can respond. Shyness generally emerges from self-consciousness, a negative self-preoccupation, low self-esteem, and fear of judgment and rejection. There need to be many positive interactions to support the child in developing the ability to converse. When my daughter was very young, her little friend that lived next door did not talk at school. I videotaped the girls during snack and play time during a playdate to demonstrate the behaviour was situational. Once the teacher and her classmates saw that she could talk, they were more patient waiting and expected a response. Our little neighbour emerged from the year thriving in school and without an ill-suited diagnosis.
Some children may need to be provided with a model of possible responses or prompts to answer. If they are not successful the first time, many opportunities to try again so they can experience success can be provided. The natural evolution is to give the children opportunities to express their opinion and the reasons for their beliefs. This helps to develop critical thinking skills and the ability to participate in higher level conversations. Rushing in to vehemently disagree with adult arguments often shuts down the willingness of the child to share their ideas. Conceding a point or agreeing to disagree is far less confrontational and will develop the child’s confidence in expressing ideas and opinions.
- Provide opportunities for children to make choices and take calculated risks.
The adults that find making a choice debilitating are the result of children that have never been given responsibility for making choices. This act requires careful consideration of the pros and cons of different choices. The logical consequences of their choice must be identified. Making choices should begin before long before entry into school. Preferences between two types of fruit or what outfit to wear are the most obvious at the preschool stage. Children need confidence and a freedom to fail in order to make an unfamiliar choice.
“Are you sure you can do that?” is not a helpful question. Unless you’ve already tried something or something similar, you have no idea if you’ll meet with success.
A better question, “Is that a safe choice?”
Ultimately, we want children to internalize safety as an imperative and use it as a basis for decision making. Encouraging children to take risks in their learning by trying new things and trying again if they don’t meet with success the first time. Learning to try new things and understanding that failure is an opportunity help to teach resilience and perseverance.
- Provide the opportunities required for the children to accept responsibility for being a positive and supportive contributing member of a variety of types of groups.
Fostering positive social interactions and maintaining harmonious group requires respectful behaviour, an understanding of the use of good manners, and effective communication to create a pleasant and high functioning group. Participation helps build trust, strengthen relationships, and reflects positively on one’s character. The children must understand that everyone in the group has needs. The adult in charge gets to make decisions about the safety and functioning of the group. Sometimes they will be making choices. Other times it will be someone else’s turn.
Positive social interaction allows the child to be invited to the party. One of my son’s childhood friends did not learn the importance of good manners at home. He was not welcome in many of the houses in the neighbourhood. Parents made the decision early on that this was not a child they wanted their child playing with. I remember once at dinner reminding one of my kids to chew with their mouth closed. The response.
“Is that like a rule that other people have heard before?” inquired this surprised little being.
Children with good manners and the ability to self-regulate their behaviour are provided with more opportunities because they will be able to cope. Outrageous lack of manners or explosive anger or frustration may garner a laugh but not an invitation. Working through interactions in a group will help children learn to self-regulate their feelings, problem solve and understand diverse perspectives, all the things required in school, work, and community.
Conclusion
Effective parents and educators are constantly evolving in their skills with a focus on what is best for the children in their care. Dependence does not make for better bonding or stronger adult-child relationships. Parents and educators who overly shelter children and make decisions on their behalf without involving the children involved are unintentionally hindering the development of independence and self-sufficiency. It is debilitating for the child because it undermines their confidence and ability to demonstrate crucial qualities for independent living later in life.
Currently on social media there is a funny clip of David Lettermen and Stephen Colbert commiserating about their children leaving home and condemning them to “empty nest” status. All this investment in kids and they just leave. I can relate to their sadness at the emptiness. I hated saying goodbye to my classes at the end of each school year. To my school communities as I moved to other schools. And I bemoan that I don’t get to spend “enough” time with my own children. However there also is a huge amount of pride when your students and your own children are able to go out and thrive in the world. Nothing is so sad as seeing young adults without the skills or confidence to go out into the world to experience all messiness and joy that the world out there has to offer. Time invested in providing guidance and a nurturing role while fostering an ability to fly is truly a reason to celebrate.
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